Brought to you by Harriet Kohen, MSW, LICSW

Children lose parents and parents lose children. Grief is the normal reaction after a loved one passes.  I have found these tips from Dr. Bruce Perry for adults who are consoling children to be useful and instructive. Children learn from our willingness to acknowledge our feelings after a loss, and to honor their experience. Often times they have questions we can easily answer to reduce their worries. Grief is normal, but if emotional or behavioral problems are extreme, persist beyond six months, or compromise the child's capacity to learn, professional help is advised.  Harriet Kohen can help.

Death and Loss:  Helping Children Manage Their Grief
By Bruce D.  Perry, M.D., Ph.D.

 "When is my mommy  coming home from heaven? I've been waiting and waiting."
                                     —Question asked by 5-year-old whose mother has just died.

The loss of a loved one is like an earthquake that fractures our emotional landscape. Although death is the most permanent loss we face, there are other forms of loss  that can be devastating as well. The most common for children are moving  and divorce. When adults decide to move or separate, usually after anticipating  and gradually adjusting to the transition, children have no choice but  to accept their decision. Since children have less time and fewer skills  to help them adjust to these situations, they are more vulnerable to loss  than adults. 

Pain  and Loss

The pain of loss  is related to the nature of the transition. When loss is sudden and unexpected,  there is much less time for the child to begin adjusting. The anticipated  death, separation, or move is easier because there has been time to think,  anticipate, mourn, and slowly reshape relationships. Gradual, predictable  transitions, though painful, make loss easier to deal with. The pain from loss  is also related to the nature of the relationship. A child experiences  the most distress when he is close to and dependent upon the one he is  separated from. If the move or the separation takes the child away from  the loved one, he may experience the same intensity of pain as if this  were a death.  Sometimes the teacher  is the adult most aware of the child's pain. She sees the sadness, the  lethargy, and the learning difficulties. Loss affects a child's capacity  to thrive in learning and social settings. Parents, often coping with  the same loss, may underestimate the impact of the separation, move, or  death on the child, thinking, "children are resilient." Underestimating  the vulnerability of the grieving child actually prolongs the child's  pain and increases the probability that the effects of the loss will persist.

The  Grieving Process 

Grief is a process  that reshapes our inner world following loss. It involves a set of emotional,  cognitive, behavioral, and physical reactions that can vary depending  upon the individual and the nature of the loss. During the grieving process,  there are two central challenges for the child: (1) processing the actual  event ("What is cancer?" "Can you catch it too?") and (2) coping with  the loss of the loved one ("I want Daddy to take me to school"). In the  weeks immediately following the loss, the child often experiences disturbing  thoughts. The primary emotion during this time is fear — fear of the unknown,  fear of the future. Over time, the child's thoughts will be dominated  by loss and feelings of sadness.  There is no "best"  way to grieve, and there are no cookbook approaches to taking the pain  away from children. Children of different ages have different styles of  adapting and different abilities to understand abstract concepts such  as death, love, and marriage. The 4-year-old may have little appreciation  of the finality of death or why divorced couples do not take vacations  together. In addition, each child has an individual style of coping. Some  children will not talk much, and some will talk about it to strangers.  Sally may announce to a substitute teacher, "My mother is dead." Other  children in Sally's class may become extremely fearful about losing their  own parents.  Grief is normal,  but if emotional or behavioral problems are extreme, persist beyond six  months, or compromise the child's capacity to learn, professional help  is advised.

Tips  for Teaching: Talking About Loss With Children 

• Don't be afraid  to talk about death or loss. Children do not benefit from "not thinking  about it" or "putting it out of their minds." Share important facts  about the event and try to get a sense of what the children think about  it and about death in general.
• Share some of  your own feelings and thoughts. Sometimes children act as if they have  not heard anything you have said, but they have. Remember that in the  midst of distressing experiences, children are not very capable of processing  complex or abstract information. Be prepared to repeat the same information  again and again.
• Invite children  to talk about feelings they have regarding the event or death. Then  you can let them take the lead as to when, how long, and how much this  is discussed. If you sense that one or more of the children are becoming  over-focused on these issues, redirect the discussion in a way that  will not disrupt the class or impact the affected child.
• During these  initial conversations, try to understand what the children think about  divorce or death. Do they have a view of afterlife? Do they place blame  for divorce on one party or another? The more you understand about how  the children think about death or divorce, the easier it will be for  you to talk about it in a meaningful way.
• If children sense  that you are upset by the loss, they may not bring the topic up even  when they want to. Be a good role model, showing children how to express  emotions in a healthy and nondisruptive fashion. It can be very helpful  for children to know that you have been affected by the event and that  you are willing to talk about how you feel.
• Help the children  understand how devastated their classmate feels. Explain that this child  may be more tired than usual, more irritable, and less interested in  playing. Advise them that their classmate may want to talk about the  loss and encourage them to listen
• Tell the children  that this is a completely out-of-bounds topic for teasing. You can teach  the children to respect the grieving process and avoid the emotional  tender spots for a child. Also help children understand that this will  be a long process and a major challenge for their classmate.
• To share your  experiences regarding this topic with your colleagues, visit the Kids  in Crisis online discussion group.        

The normal  grief process may include: 

• denial 
• emotional  numbing
• anger,  irritability, and episodic rage
• fear and characteristic rushes of anxiety (pangs)
• confusion
• difficulty  sleeping
• regressive  behaviors
• physical  complaints such as "stomachaches" or headaches
• changes  in appetite (overeating or lack of interest in food)
• transient visual or auditory misperceptions of the loved one's image  or voice

Article Cited: http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/death_and_loss.htm#author This article  originally appeared in Early Childhood Today