(Brought to you by Harriet Kohen, MSW, LICSW)

Parents, are you wondering how to foster greater self regulation skills in your children? David Walsh, founder of the National Institute on the Media and the Family, addresses this question in a recent article in the Star Tribune. I found it helpful for thinking about ways to coach parents to develop strategies to encourage more resilient children by understanding their developmental needs.  Who's in charge in your family?

Need more guidance with your kids?  Schedule an appointment with Harriet Kohen at 763-546-5797 or info@pih-mpls.com. 

HARNESS KIDS' BRAIN POWER

Julie Pfitziner, Star Tribune
David Walsh studies the brains of today's kids, a task their own parents might be reluctant to do.  Walsh, founder of the National Institute on Media and the Family and author of several books, has become an internationally known family-life expert and a go-to source for parents looking to better understand their children throughout their various ages and stages, from newborn to teenager.

Walsh, who lives in Minneapolis, has a new book called Smart Parenting, Smarter Kids: The One Brain Book You Need to Help Your Child Grow Brighter, Healthier and Happier (Free Press, 292 pages, $25), which tackles the subject of brain development as it relates to topics including intelligence, memory, connection, exercise and the impact of technology.

We asked Walsh to comment on a few of many key messages in his book on how, by acquiring greater understanding of the many facets of their child's brain, parents can enhance their parenting skills.

"A constant drumbeat of 'more, fast, easy and fun' undermines 21st-century parents' attempts to foster self-discipline in their children."

Walsh: The unintended consequence of the self-esteem movement, launched by the publication of "The Psychology of Self-Esteem" by Nathaniel Branden in 1969, is that parents started to develop an allergic reaction to kids feeling bad. This has led to an epidemic of what I call discipline deficit disorder in kids: distraction, disrespect, impatience, need for instant gratification, sense of entitlement, unrealistic expectations and self-centeredness.

If we constantly praise our kids, it can make them risk-averse. For example, if children are repeatedly told how smart they are, they want to maintain their identity as being smart. They won't want to risk doing something they might not be good at for fear of losing that identity. Kids can't control their innate ability, but they do have control over their efforts. And if we praise them for their efforts, they will work harder.

"The key to a child's language success is conversation. Social interaction with a child is critical for any number of reasons, and language is an essential ingredient."

Walsh: There are so many opportunities for parents to engage their child in conversation, and it is especially important for kids to learn how to express themselves, to spend time talking face-to-face and to learn how to read nonverbal cues and tone of voice. We need practice developing these skills and the time to do it is when you are growing up.

None of these skills are activated when we're doing online communication, which is one of the reasons it is so easy for kids to say mean things to each other online. I'm not against technology, but for some kids, technology is taking over their lives. I have an example in the book of a 12-year-old girl named Meaghan who got to the point where she was sending 1,000 texts per day.

Be clear with kids that technology can have a place in the world, but there have to be tech-free zones imposed around the dinner table and during family activities.

"Whatever the brain does a lot of is what the brain gets good at."

Walsh: There are two types of attention: reactive, which is an automatic response to a situation, and focused, which is important for critical thinking. There are so many triggers for reactive thinking. That is why I encourage parents to limit the distractions of media and technology.

Some of the classic games such as "I Spy" or "Where's Waldo" can really help kids develop focused attention. Any kind of sustained concentration helps build memory -- it's like building scaffolds and the more elaborate the scaffolding is, the more places the child has to build upon.

"While we've known for a long time that exercise builds strong muscles and a healthy heart, neuroscientists have found that moving and exercising our muscles directly builds better brains."

Walsh: Our brains -- which are the master control for our entire bodies -- don't do well with all the sedentary activity we have in our lives. When we exercise, our brains are energized. Recent research reveals the brain-derived neurotrophic factor, a chemical which is likened to "Miracle-Gro for the brain," is transported when our hearts are beating vigorously during physical activity, which can then strengthen the neurons in our brains. If we get kids moving, we are helping them to improve their brain function.

Brought to you by Harriet Kohen, LICSW

I have learned over the years that kids have plenty to say.  I thought you would enjoy this article by Jeff Opdyke in the Wall Street Journal.

By JEFF D. OPDYKE

Wall Street Journal  November 28, 2010I picked up my 14-year-old son from school two weeks ago. I smiled at him. He laughed...and then he got mad.
That morning, an orthodontist had slapped braces on my teeth. I smiled to show my son, who is just weeks away from getting his braces off. While at first he thought it was funny that Dad had braces too, he quickly realized I'd gotten the clear braces; his are full-metal jacket.

"How much extra was that?" he asked. I told him $500. "Why didn't I get those? Why do I have to get the ugly braces and you get the ones that don't look as bad?" He was miffed, and raised the topic again with his mom that night.

Later, as I thought more about it, I started to realize that something is wrong with this picture. Why does my son believe -- no, assume -- that he and I should spend the same amount of money on our respective braces.

The answer, I also realized, is because of the way I've raised him, and it was yet another illustration of something I (and readers) have mentioned before: the blurring of the lines between so many parents and children. Many kids these days see themselves as fully empowered members of the family, with opinions that carry just as much weight as their parents' opinions do.

That's not always bad. But we parents today have gone overboard. We have inadvertently created kids who think they have the power to dictate what happens in the family -- from where we go to eat to where we vacation to the kinds of braces we each deserve.  It's time, I would argue, to take back control.
Most parents my age -- I'll be 45 in January -- grew up in a time when our choices were limited to one: Whatever Mom and Dad said you were doing, you did.                                                                If my grandparents, who raised me in South Louisiana, said that we were going to visit my uncle in Mississippi over the weekend, I had no other option but to go to Mississippi, no matter how much I didn't want to. If they said Friday night dinner was at the Piccadilly restaurant, I couldn't counter with some other restaurant I might want to eat at instead. It wouldn't have dawned on me to even try.
 
But that's not how it always goes today.

Moms and dads today often play the role of friend instead of parent. Many of us, no doubt, want to avoid giving our kids the sense of powerlessness, and the distance, we might have felt with our own parents. But in doing so, we've inadvertently given our kids a sense of power that we may one day come to rue.

A friend of mine, for example, says that his teenage daughter thinks it is "monumentally unfair that her computer isn't quite as powerful as the one I have for work." And like me, he realizes he brought this on himself.

"Too many times I've asked her for input in decisions she should have no say in," he says. "I should just get her a computer rather than ask, 'Is this one good enough?' There is a line between getting input and letting her dictate, and at times, I've not drawn that line sharply enough."

To be clear, this isn't about kids who are bratty, obnoxious or harbor a sense of entitlement. These aren't bad kids. It's just that many of today's generation of youngsters have grown up in a world where their opinions matter. A lot.

The question now is what do we do with the power-hungry monsters we have created? How do we fix them?

Many parents, I know, will fume about this column. They will insist that kids should never be allowed to define expectations -- particularly when it comes to how the family spends money. Mom and Dad make those decisions, no questions asked. The problem isn't one of balance, they'll say. Kids are kids and parents are parents, and you shouldn't mix the two.

I agree...up to a point. Despite my lamenting in this column, I don't think we parents should impose every one of our choices on our children without their input. Kids need to feel like they have a voice, and that the voice is heard. Eventually, it will help them learn how to make smart decisions -- and the consequences of making not-so-smart ones.

At the same time, it isn't good for them to feel in control, either. They don't want all that power, even if they think they do. They want the security of somebody else making decisions. They need to know that parents make the rules.

That's the balance I need to find, and that has too often been lacking in my house. To offer a simple example: If I'm craving Greek for dinner and my son or daughter isn't, I want them to express that; it's a lesson in learning to defend your desires and not to accept what everyone else around you is pushing.

That doesn't mean I'll change my mind. And it doesn't mean we won't eat Greek that night. But, then again, I might say to one of my kids, "OK; your call tonight. You get to choose."

For those of us who have gone too far, it's important to scale back the authority we've given our children. But not all the way.

The decisions kids make, for instance, might be relatively rare events that they come to see as "special." Maybe it's the opportunity once a month to have complete control over the family's Friday night plans -- the restaurant you go to, the movie you see. Maybe it's giving your kids three vacation options to choose from. Maybe it's regularly letting them voice their opinions about anything they want, with no guarantees that Mom and Dad will agree with them. But we'll listen.

That's what I have started to do. Before it's too late, I am determined to revoke the authority I have too often ceded to my kids. If I want to spend $500 extra on clear braces that my son didn't get...hey, it's my money and my choice.

Not his.

(Brought to you by Dr. Deborah Simmons)

I see many couples who are struggling with fertility challenges.  The holidays can leave many couples feeling pressured by their families to be happy.  The winter holidays focus on children, which can feel like salt in a wound.  I hope that this article by my friend and colleague, Patricia Mendell, LCSW, will be helpful to you or someone you know and love.  Please feel free to share this article.   Know that there is hope. 

When Couples Don’t Agree

By:  Patricia Mendell, LCSW
The American Fertility Association http://www.theafa.org  

The holidays are a stressful time for couples.  Another year has passed and there is still no baby.  It is not uncommon for partners to view plans for the holiday differently. One may feel unable to say no to family and friends while the other feels unable to say yes.  Each can view the other’s decision as unsupportive of the other’s feelings. Each partner may feel that they must present a united front;  either they both go or they don’t.  When this is the case think about “a compromise”.

One partner may opt to attend the holiday dinner and one may not…if that is the decision anticipate in advance what will or will not be said to family members about the absentee partner .  It is important that the partner who is attending the holiday anticipate with some key phrases questions or comments about the missing partner. For the non-attending   partner it is important not to grill the other partner about the event and criticize what or what was not said.  Accept the fact that your partner did the best they could.  For the partner that attends the advice is try not to get caught in the trap of reporting back all the “insensitive comments” that were said because it will just continue fuel more problems in your relationship and your family.

If you decide as a couple to attend the holiday dinner for a specific length of time, then stick to it.  The worst fights between couples often occur because the agreed upon plan or time gets forgotten by one and ends up forcing the other partner to stay beyond their limit or create a scene that only makes them feel even worse.  Anticipate what you will say when you leave early or decide to tell all in advance that you will there for this set amount of time.  Both should be in agreement as to what will be said to others about why you are leaving the party.

 If one partner agrees to go to the holiday dinner on the condition that the other partner stays by their side, then there should be no exceptions.  Often couples will establish these rules and then forget once they walk through the front door at the party.  Running off to watch the football game or going out to run errands is a typical example of what can happen and again be a source of tension for couples which can easily be eliminated if each remains mindful of the other’s feelings and the agreed upon plan.

The final word of advice for this stressful time is, try not to tell your partner that their feelings are stupid or that they are being ridiculous because it makes you feel uncomfortable or is not what you would like to do for the holidays.

Brought to you by Harriet Kohen, LICSW

I often get asked for a list of easy communication “Do’s and Don’ts” with teenagers.  If you only have to remember a few things while communicating with your teen, I like these top ten suggestions from Vanessa Van Petten’s Radical Parenting web site.  Some of these “Do’s and Don’ts” are harder in practice than theory, but they often save the day.  Typically, the hardest ones to implement are the ones we parents need to work on the most!  Want face to face help with your teen?  Give Harriet Kohen a call at Partners in Healing of Minneapolis at 763-546-5797. 

1. Never talk about your teen in front of them as if they are not there.

2. Don’t let your teen place objects between you.  This creates emotional barriers—the remote control is quite popular.

3. If your teen goes into ‘whine’ mode, do not respond until they insist on taking the ‘whine’ out of their tone.

4. Never embarrass your teen to be funny.  This only creates barriers between you and it does not ‘give them thick skin.’

5. If you are in an argument, try changing locations–those three seconds provide space to calm down and reset.

6. Don’t play ‘what if’ with your teen or yourself; this will only end in a battle of logic.

7. Don’t fall into the ‘I’ll do it later’ trap.  We all know they won’t do it later and you will be disappointed.

8. If you want your teen to break a rule, say because ‘I said so.’

9. Always start discussion with what you agree on.  This puts you both on the same page and makes it easier when they have to compromise later.

10. If you feel like you might say something you do not mean, walk away.

Source:  www.radicalparenting.com (August, 2010)

(Brought to you by Harriet Kohen, MSW, LICSW)

So you thought that if your child sat at a desk or the kitchen table all night, she would get her homework done.  New evidence suggests that changing locations improves the brain’s ability to retain new information.  I thought that you would enjoy this article from the New York Times Science section entitled “Forget What You Know About Good Study Habits” to get some tips on learning better study habits. 

Does your child have anxiety about school performance, disrupting his sleep and eating habits?  I can help you and your child with that.  Just give me a call at 763-546-5797 to schedule.  Have a great school year everybody!  

Forget What You Know About Good Study Habits

By BENEDICT CAREY

September 6, 2010

Every September, millions of parents try a kind of psychological witchcraft, to transform their summer-glazed campers into fall students, their video-bugs into bookworms. Advice is cheap and all too familiar: Clear a quiet work space. Stick to a homework schedule. Set goals. Set boundaries. Do not bribe (except in emergencies).

And check out the classroom. Does Junior’s learning style match the new teacher’s approach? Or the school’s philosophy? Maybe the child isn’t “a good fit” for the school.

Such theories have developed in part because of sketchy education research that doesn’t offer clear guidance. Student traits and teaching styles surely interact; so do personalities and at-home rules. The trouble is, no one can predict how.

Yet there are effective approaches to learning, at least for those who are motivated. In recent years, cognitive scientists have shown that a few simple techniques can reliably improve what matters most: how much a student learns from studying.

The findings can help anyone, from a fourth grader doing long division to a retiree taking on a new language. But they directly contradict much of the common wisdom about good study habits, and they have not caught on.

For instance, instead of sticking to one study location, simply alternating the room where a person studies improves retention. So does studying distinct but related skills or concepts in one sitting, rather than focusing intensely on a single thing.

“We have known these principles for some time, and it’s intriguing that schools don’t pick them up, or that people don’t learn them by trial and error,” said Robert A. Bjork, a psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles. “Instead, we walk around with all sorts of unexamined beliefs about what works that are mistaken.”

Take the notion that children have specific learning styles, that some are “visual learners” and others are auditory; some are “left-brain” students, others “right-brain.” In a recent review of the relevant research, published in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest, a team of psychologists found almost zero support for such ideas. “The contrast between the enormous popularity of the learning-styles approach within education and the lack of credible evidence for its utility is, in our opinion, striking and disturbing,” the researchers concluded.

Ditto for teaching styles, researchers say. Some excellent instructors caper in front of the blackboard like summer-theater Falstaffs; others are reserved to the point of shyness. “We have yet to identify the common threads between teachers who create a constructive learning atmosphere,” said Daniel T. Willingham, a psychologist at the University of Virginia and author of the book “Why Don’t Students Like School?"

But individual learning is another matter, and psychologists have discovered that some of the most hallowed advice on study habits is flat wrong. For instance, many study skills courses insist that students find a specific place, a study room or a quiet corner of the library, to take their work. The research finds just the opposite. In one classic 1978 experiment, psychologists found that college students who studied a list of 40 vocabulary words in two different rooms — one windowless and cluttered, the other modern, with a view on a courtyard — did far better on a test than students who studied the words twice, in the same room. Later studies have confirmed the finding, for a variety of topics.

The brain makes subtle associations between what it is studying and the background sensations it has at the time, the authors say, regardless of whether those perceptions are conscious. It colors the terms of the Versailles Treaty with the wasted fluorescent glow of the dorm study room, say; or the elements of the Marshall Plan with the jade-curtain shade of the willow tree in the backyard. Forcing the brain to make multiple associations with the same material may, in effect, give that information more neural scaffolding.

“What we think is happening here is that, when the outside context is varied, the information is enriched, and this slows down forgetting,” said Dr. Bjork, the senior author of the two-room experiment.

Varying the type of material studied in a single sitting — alternating, for example, among vocabulary, reading and speaking in a new language — seems to leave a deeper impression on the brain than does concentrating on just one skill at a time. Musicians have known this for years, and their practice sessions often include a mix of scales, musical pieces and rhythmic work. Many athletes, too, routinely mix their workouts with strength, speed and skill drills.

The advantages of this approach to studying can be striking, in some topic areas. In a study recently posted online by the journal Applied Cognitive Psychology, Doug Rohrer and Kelli Taylor of the University of South Florida taught a group of fourth graders four equations, each to calculate a different dimension of a prism. Half of the children learned by studying repeated examples of one equation, say, calculating the number of prism faces when given the number of sides at the base, then moving on to the next type of calculation, studying repeated examples of that. The other half studied mixed problem sets, which included examples all four types of calculations grouped together. Both groups solved sample problems along the way, as they studied.

A day later, the researchers gave all of the students a test on the material, presenting new problems of the same type. The children who had studied mixed sets did twice as well as the others, outscoring them 77 percent to 38 percent. The researchers have found the same in experiments involving adults and younger children.

“When students see a list of problems, all of the same kind, they know the strategy to use before they even read the problem,” said Dr. Rohrer. “That’s like riding a bike with training wheels.” With mixed practice, he added, “each problem is different from the last one, which means kids must learn how to choose the appropriate procedure — just like they had to do on the test.”

These findings extend well beyond math, even to aesthetic intuitive learning. In an experiment published last month in the journal Psychology and Aging, researchers found that college students and adults of retirement age were better able to distinguish the painting styles of 12 unfamiliar artists after viewing mixed collections (assortments, including works from all 12) than after viewing a dozen works from one artist, all together, then moving on to the next painter.

The finding undermines the common assumption that intensive immersion is the best way to really master a particular genre, or type of creative work, said Nate Kornell, a psychologist at Williams College and the lead author of the study. “What seems to be happening in this case is that the brain is picking up deeper patterns when seeing assortments of paintings; it’s picking up what’s similar and what’s different about them,” often subconsciously.

Cognitive scientists do not deny that honest-to-goodness cramming can lead to a better grade on a given exam. But hurriedly jam-packing a brain is akin to speed-packing a cheap suitcase, as most students quickly learn — it holds its new load for a while, then most everything falls out.

“With many students, it’s not like they can’t remember the material” when they move to a more advanced class, said Henry L. Roediger III, a psychologist at Washington University in St. Louis. “It’s like they’ve never seen it before.”

When the neural suitcase is packed carefully and gradually, it holds its contents for far, far longer. An hour of study tonight, an hour on the weekend, another session a week from now: such so-called spacing improves later recall, without requiring students to put in more overall study effort or pay more attention, dozens of studies have found.

No one knows for sure why. It may be that the brain, when it revisits material at a later time, has to relearn some of what it has absorbed before adding new stuff — and that that process is itself self-reinforcing.

“The idea is that forgetting is the friend of learning,” said Dr. Kornell. “When you forget something, it allows you to relearn, and do so effectively, the next time you see it.”

That’s one reason cognitive scientists see testing itself — or practice tests and quizzes — as a powerful tool of learning, rather than merely assessment. The process of retrieving an idea is not like pulling a book from a shelf; it seems to fundamentally alter the way the information is subsequently stored, making it far more accessible in the future.

Dr. Roediger uses the analogy of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in physics, which holds that the act of measuring a property of a particle (position, for example) reduces the accuracy with which you can know another property (momentum, for example): “Testing not only measures knowledge but changes it,” he says — and, happily, in the direction of more certainty, not less.

In one of his own experiments, Dr. Roediger and Jeffrey Karpicke, also of Washington University, had college students study science passages from a reading comprehension test, in short study periods. When students studied the same material twice, in back-to-back sessions, they did very well on a test given immediately afterward, then began to forget the material.

But if they studied the passage just once and did a practice test in the second session, they did very well on one test two days later, and another given a week later.

“Testing has such bad connotation; people think of standardized testing or teaching to the test,” Dr. Roediger said. “Maybe we need to call it something else, but this is one of the most powerful learning tools we have.”

Of course, one reason the thought of testing tightens people’s stomachs is that tests are so often hard. Paradoxically, it is just this difficulty that makes them such effective study tools, research suggests. The harder it is to remember something, the harder it is to later forget. This effect, which researchers call “desirable difficulty,” is evident in daily life. The name of the actor who played Linc in “The Mod Squad”? Francie’s brother in “A Tree Grows in Brooklyn”? The name of the co-discoverer, with Newton, of calculus?

The more mental sweat it takes to dig it out, the more securely it will be subsequently anchored.

None of which is to suggest that these techniques — alternating study environments, mixing content, spacing study sessions, self-testing or all the above — will turn a grade-A slacker into a grade-A student. Motivation matters. So do impressing friends, making the hockey team and finding the nerve to text the cute student in social studies.

“In lab experiments, you’re able to control for all factors except the one you’re studying,” said Dr. Willingham. “Not true in the classroom, in real life. All of these things are interacting at the same time.”

But at the very least, the cognitive techniques give parents and students, young and old, something many did not have before: a study plan based on evidence, not schoolyard folk wisdom, or empty theorizing.

    Authored by Harriet Kohen and Lois Fisher

At graduation time, it reminds us of those we love...and those we seldom see, often due to a painful divorce.  This article from the New York Times reminds us to help our children through big life transitions, no matter their age.  Let us help your family with transitions, as well as the issues that affect our every day.  Just give Harriet Kohen and Lois Fischer a call to schedule at 763-546-5797. 

When the Ties That Bind Unravel

                                                                            Stuart Bradford

Therapists for years have listened to patients blame parents for their problems. Now there is growing interest in the other side of the story: What about the suffering of parents who are estranged from their adult children?

While there are no official tallies of parents whose adult children have cut them off, there is no shortage of headlines. The Olympic gold medal skier Lindsey Vonn reportedly hasn’t spoken to her father in at least four years. The actor Jon Voight and his daughter, Angelina Jolie, were photographed together in February for the first time since they were estranged in 2002.

A number of Web sites and online chat rooms are devoted to the issue, with heartbreaking tales of children who refuse their parents’ phone calls and e-mail and won’t let them see grandchildren. Some parents seek grief counseling, while others fall into depression and even contemplate suicide.

Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist who is an expert on parental estrangement, says it appears to be growing more and more common, even in families who haven’t experienced obvious cruelty or traumas like abuse and addiction. Instead, parents often report that a once-close relationship has deteriorated after a conflict over money, a boyfriend or built-up resentments about a parent’s divorce or remarriage.

“We live in a culture that assumes if there is an estrangement, the parents must have done something really terrible,” said Dr. Coleman, whose book “When Parents Hurt” (William Morrow, 2007) focuses on estrangement. “But this is not a story of adult children cutting off parents who made egregious mistakes. It’s about parents who were good parents, who made mistakes that were certainly within normal limits.”

Dr. Coleman himself experienced several years of estrangement with his adult daughter, with whom he has reconciled. Mending the relationship took time and a persistent effort by Dr. Coleman to stay in contact. It also meant listening to his daughter’s complaints and accepting responsibility for his mistakes. “I tried to really get what her feelings were and tried to make amends and repair,” he said. “Over the course of several years, it came back slowly.”

Not every parent is so successful. Debby Kintner of Somerville, Tenn., sought grief counseling after her adult daughter, and only child, ended their relationship. “It hit me like a freight train,” she said. “I sit down and comb through my memories and try to figure out which day was it that it went wrong. I don’t know.”

Ms. Kintner talks of life as a single parent, raising an honor student who insisted her mother accompany her on a class trip to London, a college student who made frequent calls and visits home. Things changed after her daughter began an on-again, off-again relationship with a boyfriend and moved back home after becoming pregnant. Arguments about her daughter’s decision to move in with the man and Ms. Kintner’s refusal to give her daughter a car eventually led to estrangement. She now has no contact with her daughter or three grandchildren.

“I knew parents and children had fights, but there was enough love to come back together,” Ms. Kintner said. “This is your mother who gave you a nice life and loved you.’ “

Judith, a mother in Augusta, Ga., who asked that her last name not be used, tells of a loving, creative daughter who experienced a turbulent adolescence. At college graduation, the parents were shocked when their daughter unleashed an angry tirade about her childhood. Later, the daughter asked for financial help paying for an Ivy League graduate school. The parents agreed, but a visit to see her on the East Coast was marred by another round of harsh words and accusations. They withdrew their financial support and returned home.

“I’ve done a lot of crying,” said Judith, who has sought therapy to cope. “I’m very depressed. All the holidays are sad, and we don’t have any closure on this. She was so wanted. She was so loved. She still is loved. We want her in our life.”

Dr. Coleman says he believes parental estrangement is a “silent epidemic,” because many parents are ashamed to admit they’ve lost contact with their children.

Often, he said, parents in these situations give up too soon. He advises them to continue weekly letters, e-mail messages or phone calls even when they are rejected, and to be generous in taking responsibility for their mistakes — even if they did not seem like mistakes at the time.

After all, he went on, parents and children have very different perspectives. “It’s possible for a parent to feel like they were doing something out of love,” he said, “but it didn’t feel like love to that child.”

Friends, other family members and therapists can often help a parent cope with the loss of an estranged child. So can patience: reconciliation usually takes many conversations, not just one.

“When I was going through this, it was a gray cloud, a nightmare,” Dr. Coleman said. “Don’t just assume if your child is rejecting you that that’s the end of the conversation. Parents have to be on a campaign to let the child know that they’re in it for the long haul.”